Small Talk
I stood by myself, next to the food table. I watched enviously as other people talked to each other. I’d met most of them, but I didn’t know anyone very well: What would I talk to them about? I ate another carrot stick.
A well-coiffed woman came over. She asked me an innocuous question or two, and chatted with me for several minutes. I was so grateful that she had taken pity on me that I didn’t mind when she made some polite excuse and wandered off. I have GOT to learn how to do small talk, I thought to myself.
Years passed. I got a bit better at small talk. However, I seemed to find myself stuck in the same conversations over and over again. I understood why they call this “small” talk: It was often boring.
Then I went to a conference presentation on shyness. The presenter was a shyness researcher named Bill Gilbert, who had recently published a book (with Larry King) called How to Talk to Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere: The Secrets of Good Communication. Dr. Gilbert explained several tips for getting a conversation going. For example, do NOT talk about your favorite topic. Someone who talks about their favorite topic with every single person is called a bore. Most people aren’t interested in your favorite topic. And if you always talk about your favorite topic, you end up having the same conversation over and over, which is boring for you, too. Instead, start a conversation by making a comment about something in your environment. Because environments change, this will give you a new opening line for almost every conversation.
I had the opportunity to try out this suggestion that very evening. After the evening’s talk, I went to the dinner reception. Once I had a plate of food in one hand and a drink in the other, I looked for somewhere to sit down so I could eat. There were almost no tables, but I spotted an empty chair.
There were two women at that table, and I didn’t know either of them, but I certainly wanted to sit in that chair. I asked if it was okay for me to sit there, and they said yes. I sat down and took a bite to eat. They were silent. So I tried out the suggestion. There were origami swans on the table. The Association President had explained them earlier that evening. I commented, “Those are the swans the President made.” One of them made a small grunt. They both had their heads down, focused on their small meals. No eye contact. I tried another opening line, “This is good chicken.” A monosyllabic reply that I couldn’t quite make out. One more, “It’s busy here.” Another short reply. I was sure it was a word, but I couldn’t make out what word it was. I realized she wasn’t saying enough words for me to process her accent. I was starting to run out of inspiration.
One more try: I asked, “Are you presenting your research at the conference?” One of them replied, “We don’t do research. We’re just students.” A sentence! Two! And enough words that I could tell what she was saying. I replied, “What do you study?” They told me, briefly, and then asked what I do research in. I said I did research in statistics. Suddenly, they both looked at me. They said they were very interested in statistics, but found it challenging. We had found our conversation! We talked for the next hour and a half, long after the rest of the guests had left and the catering crew had cleaned up the reception area. We talked about statistics and research design, about mentoring and finishing their programs. And to get this conversation going, all I had to do was throw out some random comments about the environment, until one of them finally stuck.
Over the next few months, I learned that the purpose of the first sentence is not to start a conversation about that topic. Instead, it’s your way of saying “I’d like to talk to you.” The other person will (almost always) reply, saying something that is a little bit related to what you said, which is their way of saying, “I’d like to talk to you, too.” Continue to exchange sentences. Each sentence will be only slightly related to the previous one, because neither of you is really interested in what you are talking about yet. After just four or five sentences, you will find something that you are both interested in talking about. It’s magic! And it works! Moreover, because you started the conversation in a random way, by commenting on something in the environment, this won’t be the same conversation you had with the last stranger you met or the one before that. This method will lead you to interesting and unique conversations.
I have used this technique many times since then. At a party a few months later, I spotted two people I knew well, talking with someone I’d barely met. I used another of the techniques that Dr. Gilbert recommended: I stood nearby and listened in. After a few seconds, a couple of them shifted their positions so that I was included in their conversation circle. Then I used another technique Dr. Gilbert recommended: I did NOT try to start a new conversation. Instead, I made small contributions to the conversation that was already going on. I added little “ah ha” and “yeah” sounds. After a minute or so, I was able to add a whole sentence to the conversation. I was included. Shortly after, that conversation broke up. The two people I knew wandered off. I was left with the person I barely knew. Summoning my nerve, I launched into a conversational opening related to the environment. “Great view from here.” After just a few exchanges, we discovered that both of us were involved in sports, and we had an enjoyable discussion about our current and previous activities. I was pleased that the technique worked and proud that I’d successfully managed the conversation. And I’d gotten to know a new person in the process! Another time, a few months later, I was at a wedding. I walked up to a woman I didn’t know at all, said a random sentence about the environment, and after just a few seconds, we discovered that she lived in a city I wanted to visit. We had a pleasant five-minute conversation. It turns out that the first time I used this technique was the hardest it’s ever been. It’s usually much easier than that.
Nowadays, when I find a conversation is barely limping along, I realize that the other person doesn’t know how to do small talk and that it’s up to me to help them out. I throw out a few observations and follow up on whatever they give me, so we can find something we want to talk about. I’m proud of the transformation I’ve gone through. I’m now the one who can help others connect.
So here’s my advice. Start conversations by commenting on something in the environment. When the person replies, keep the conversation going. Eventually, you’ll find something you both want to talk about. And when someone else starts a conversation with you by making some inane comment, help them out by replying. Ideally, your reply should be only a little bit related to their comment. This will help you find a topic you are both interested in. For example, if they say, “The apple is red,” and you reply, “Very red”, that doesn’t get you very far. But if you reply, “We had apple trees when I was growing up,” you may be on your way to a good conversation. Small talk isn’t boring if you know how to do it.
Kimberly A. Barchard is the Director of the Interactive Measurement Group. She is an Associate Professor in the Department of Psychology at UNLV. She joined UNLV in 2001 after obtaining her MA and PhD in Psychometrics. She works to empower students and colleagues to accomplish their personal and professional goals, particularly through the development of leadership, communication, and research skills.