When Grief Gets in the Way
I spent most of my adolescence in preparation for my planned career. The activities I participated in, the courses I took, and the timeline I followed were all culminating in my young professionalism. I was following the path I had been told I needed to follow, and I performed so many of those activities with expectations. I expected the hard part would be getting to a career. I expected to have more control of my life after school. I expected my friends to pass away from old age.
But life has a way of breaking expectations.
In a tragic car accident in August 2016, a friend from high school passed away, along with her younger brother and her father, who had been my Sunday School teacher. In November 2016, my partner’s best friend passed away from a heart attack. In December 2016, my friend’s infant son passed away from illness. A month later, my friend’s wife became the first fatal car accident in Nevada for 2017. And on March 16th, 2017, Jason—my high school sweetheart and dear friend—passed away unexpectedly in a motorcycle accident.
Following that train wreck of events, I was lost. With so many expectations shattered, I was faced with the difficult task of rebuilding all the frameworks that had shaped my view of reality. Grief had never been a consideration when I was preparing for my career, but being consumed by grief was certainly getting in the way of my profession now. I felt totally out of control. How does a person move forward from that point?
Over the last several months, I have started to take control of my life again. Here’s what I’ve learned about the process.
Grief will look different for you than it will for anyone else. In spite of that fact, most people will have some recommendations as to what you should do to properly grieve: when you should start to work again, where you should work, and what behaviors are healthy. You are under no obligation to listen to any of them. No one can understand the intricacies of the relationship you are mourning. That means you are the only qualified expert on the way you grieve. Metaphorically, you are the most elite peer-reviewed journal of your own grief. Cite yourself. You need no other justification.
Even experts learn from others. Being the expert of your own grief does not mean that you have to grieve in isolation. Sometimes that means knowing who to rely on: others who share your loss, family, or trusted friends. For me, it meant pursuing professional help to process my grief. My therapist was not there to tell me what I needed to do (as much as I sometimes wished he would). Instead, he was there to work with me to find the strategies that would work for me. Personally, I needed to express my grief through art, volunteering, and exercising to care for myself. Therapy was integral in finding the strategies that worked for me.
You are a person before you are a professional. When I first experienced these losses, I felt immense pressure to not lose traction in my career. It was, after all, everything that I had worked for my entire life. Eventually, I realized that I was more than the title on my business card; much more. Giving myself permission to care for my person before my position was necessary for my healing. You will know what role work should play in your grief process: when you should return, how often you should work, and whether it will help you to feel productive. Trial and error will be part of that process. Be honest if it is too early to return or if it is more detrimental than helpful to your emotional state.
Life will break your expectations. What I have found is that sometimes you must break expectations yourself to live your most fulfilled life. I transitioned to part time work, began considering a career change, and stopped believing I was stuck on one particular trajectory just because I had spent so long working to be on it. Grief can derail a young professional, but the person behind the professional can still move forward when grief gets in the way.
Aeriel Halstead was a member of the Interactive Measurement Group from 2013-2014. She graduated from UNLV in 2015 with degrees in Psychology and Communication Studies. Aeriel is now the Positive Change Trailblazer and Storytelling Expert at Professionals in Philanthropy. She leads the Storytelling division, which aims to empower nonprofit organizations to maximize their impact in our community.