Understanding Differences
In my work with couples, I often hear statements like, “We are so different. I wish my partner would be more like me.” Couples repeatedly attribute the cause of their relational difficulties and disconnect to their differences in communication, expressing themselves, and dealing with stress. But I think it’s okay (and perhaps inevitable) that partners often differ from each other.
In his book, Your Brain on Love: The Neurobiology of Healthy Relationships, Dr. Stan Tatkin explains these differences based on neurobiology and attachment theory. As soon as we are born we need other people, we attach to them, we depend on them for our survival. Dr. Tatkin explains that our family environment, the level of safety and security at home, and how our parents and caregivers interact with us determines our way of interaction in our own romantic relationships. We might have a partner whose way of interaction, communication, and dealing with stress is very different from our own. Our goal should be not to try to change them but to try to understand them as much as possible. For example, some people prefer to address difficult situations and conflicts directly, while others feel uncomfortable with a direct confrontation and try to avoid conflicts or arguments. The more we can understand each other’s needs, the easier it will be to meet those needs.
I have read many books about relationships and Your Brain on Love was the most influential for me personally. After reading this book, I was able to recognize some of my own relational patterns and identify ways of changing them. This book has also been quite helpful for many couples I work with. Many of my clients have told me they wished they had read this book as soon as their interactions became problematic. They said this book could have saved them months or years of relational disconnect and stress. My clients learned to respect each other differences and to stop interpreting each other’s behaviors negatively. They learned to be more in-tune with each other’s needs and were able to meet those needs more effectively. They were able to connect with each other on a deeper level and have more satisfying relationships.
We are all different. Whether you are having difficulties in your romantic relationships, your friendships, or your relationship with your family, Your Brain on Love can help you understand those differences so that you can better understand and care for the loved ones in your lives.
Jenya Veren was part of the Interactive Measurement Group from June 2010 until June 2013. She completed her Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy at UNLV in 2015. In her work with couples, she uses Emotionally Focused Therapy, a therapy approach that helps clients re-connect, while increasing intimate bonds and secure attachment between partners. She works at Kayenta Therapy Center in Las Vegas NV and can be reached at jenya.veren@gmail.com.