Overcoming Blame and Defensiveness
When I was a student in the Marriage and Family Therapy program, I was taught several techniques to build couples’ communication skills and improve their ability to resolve their arguments. However, when I was teaching these techniques to the couples I worked with, I saw no improvement in their interaction. The couples were still caught in the cycle of criticism, blame, and defensiveness when they were trying to address their conflicts.
In the book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, the researcher and therapist Patrick Gottman stated that simply teaching couples communication skills does not help them interact better (Gottman & Silver, 1999). Gottman explained that most couples who come to therapy are already in deep distress and when they get into heated, emotional arguments, they lose their ability to communicate effectively. In order to improve the couple’s interaction, therapists need to address the underlying emotions that trigger negative emotions. Gottman and Silver identified several signs in the couple’s interaction that can predict divorce. One of the signs is the presence of The Four Horsemen: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. When couples are in high distress due to their negative interactions, most or all of the four horsemen are usually present.
In my own clinical experience, I see that many couples interact using criticism, contempt, defensives, and stonewalling. Reading about the four horsemenhelped me modify how I work with couples. Here is a hypothetical example of how I might work with a couple who is caught in the pattern of criticism and defensiveness. This example has been adapted from a real therapy experience I had with two of my clients.
Julie: I feel like I have to carry all the responsibilities of taking care of the house by myself. I have to take care of the kids, run errands, do chores, and plan all events. I constantly ask Patrick to help me, but he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to do anything.
[Note the criticism.]
Patrick: That’s not true. I do a lot of work in the house. It’s just sometimes it might take me longer. [Note the defensiveness.]
Julie: (raising her voice and sneering) I always have to remind you, otherwise you will never get anything done.
[Note the contempt.]
Patrick: I forgot a couple of times. Now, you say I don’t ever do anything without being reminded. That’s not fair.
[More defensiveness.]
Julie: All our arguments start this way because you never listen to me. It’s all your fault.
[Note the blame.]
Me: Julie, you told me before how difficult it is for you when you try to talk to Patrick about the things that bother you. It seems like there is a wall between you and nothing you say can go through this wall.
[Therapist asks if there is stonewalling.]
Julie: Yes. Every time I try to talk about something that bothers me, he just sits there. He doesn’t even look at me.
[Julie confirms that Patrick is stonewalling.]
Me: And it overwhelms you, right?
Julie: Yes, I feel like what I say or want doesn’t matter to him. He just ignores me.
Me: And what happens to you when you ask Patrick to do something in the house but he forgets?
[Therapist starts to get at the underlying emotions.]
Julie: I get upset. It feels like my request was not important for him.
Me: And if you see that your request was not important for Patrick, I’m guessing that sometimes you might feel like maybe you are not important to him? Is that right?
Julie: Yes, it feels like he doesn’t care about me.
Me: And somehow you need to know that he still cares about you, that you are important to him, right?
Julie: Yes, he never tells me how he feels about me. So, sometimes, I start to doubt that he still cares about me.
Me: And I guess, when you start to doubt and Patrick is not able to reassure you verbally, you start to rely on physical confirmation. When you ask Patrick to complete the chore and he does it, somehow it looks to you like he cared about your request and somehow it also confirms to you that he cares about you. Is that right?
Julie: I didn’t think about it like that, but I guess I do rely on physical confirmation. Because I don’t get any verbal confirmation that I still matter to him. [They have identified the emotions that underlie Julie’s criticisms.]
Me: Patrick, how is it for you to hear that Julie feels as if she doesn’t matter to you and you don’t care about her if you forget to do a chore?
Patrick: I didn’t know that she felt I like I didn’t care about her when I forgot to do a chore. I thought she just thought I was lazy. I couldn’t understand why she was getting so upset. It’s usually just a small chore.
[Note that Patrick is now able to talk about these issues. He isn’t defensive or stonewalling, now that Julie is talking about the underlying emotions.]
Me: You didn’t know that somehow this small chore is connected to Julie’s doubt about feeling that she matters to you.
Patrick: No, I didn’t know. I don’t want her to feel that I stopped caring about her if I forget to do a chore. But I guess, I will try to remember about the chores because I don’t want her to think I don’t care about her.
Me: Because you care about Julie; she matters to you, right?
Patrick: Yes, she does.
Me: Patrick, can you please turn to Julie and tell her that she really matters to you and you don’t want her to think that you don’t care about her? [By identifying the underlying emotions, the therapist is able to get the couple out of their cycle of criticism, contempt, and blame (on Julie’s side) and stonewalling (on Patrick’s side).]
The book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work taught me how to identify the four horsemen and helped me learn how to help clients who often communicate using them. I appreciate the fact that this book is based upon high quality empirical research, that the ideas are clearly explained, and that I was able to see the value of these ideas and techniques in my own life. This book has helped me with my own relationships, both personal and professional. More than that, this book would be helpful in any kind of relationship. I recommend this book both to couple therapists and to ordinary couples who want to improve their relationship.
References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York, NY: Three Rivers Press.
Jenya Veren was part of the Interactive Measurement Group from June 2010 until June 2013. She completed her Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy at UNLV in 2015. In her work with couples, she uses Emotionally Focused Therapy, a therapy approach that helps clients re-connect, while increasing intimate bonds and secure attachment between partners. She works at Kayenta Therapy Center in Las Vegas NV and can be reached at jenya.veren@gmail.com.